“Stop shoulding all over yourself!”

    “Elizabeth, stop shoulding all over yourself!” The advice was given to me during the first unit of my chaplain residency by my supervisor, Sheryl. I was shocked when she said it. “Did she just swear at me?!” I wondered.

     She was responding to the woes that I was listing during my first month with patients at The University of Tennessee Medical Center. My list included, “Children shouldn’t die before their parents,” “That father should have been wearing his seatbelt,” “I should have done a better job praying with that patient,” and “The family should be more involved in their mother’s care.” The list went on and on.

     Her admonishment set me on a course from that moment to always recognize "shoulding" - both from myself and from others.  And what I have come to recognize over the years is that whenever I think something should be different, I am choosing to not face reality. I’m choosing to ignore what IS and instead focus on what ISN’T. 

     In my caregiver workshops, we start off with an exercise where participants identify statements they know to be true for themselves regarding their relationship with God (or Creator, Universe, Infinite Spirit, whatever they are most comfortable with). While there may be some variety among individual participants, the group as a whole tends to agree on a set of (somewhat) universal beliefs such as: God is love, is always present, knows all and wants what is best for us. We then use these statements as the foundation for our discussion and frame the various challenges of dementia caregiving through the lens of those beliefs. 

     This exercise helps me so much when I am tempted to think that a situation should be different than it is. Now, I am in no way saying that things CAN’T be different. Heck, that is what hope is all about! But in order to create a new reality for ourselves, it helps to face head-on the reality we are currently experiencing, not “should all over ourselves” with thoughts that temp us to think that our lives are are supposed to be different than what they truly are (at least for the moment!).

     When we encounter situations where we feel distress, and we believe that what is happening shouldn't be happening, it can tempt us to speculate that maybe God does not know all, might not be all-loving and present, or perhaps does not want what is best for us, since “it” (fill in the blank) hasn't happened. 

     Yet, God describes God as “I AM,” not “I wish I were” or “I was meant to be.” We can discover God within ourselves by acknowledging our sacred worth and addressing honestly where we are and where we want to be.  Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.”  My book was written with the intention of helping caregivers find the truth that will set them free from those things that cause them to despair by finding hope where they are right now. (For caregivers and non-caregivers alike, there are other helpful books listed under the “Resources” section of this website.)

     And in a truly crazy (for me) gesture, I offer you an excerpt of a song that I wrote.  It was originally written for those experiencing online bullying after encountering so many depressed and devastated kids on Tik Tok. However, I think the overall message can apply to anyone feeling down. I had never written a song before this one, and it came to me over the period of just a few hours.  I won’t bore you with the whole magical story behind it, but I hope the song encourages you to know that everything is just as it’s meant to be and that you are all able to create a life that you aspire to have. God IS love, God IS always present, God DOES know all and God ALWAYS wants the best for you. 

Namaste❤

Verse 1

There are days that are so wonderful, I wish they’d never end;

Times when all is right and everybody’s a friend.

But then someone tries to knock me down with words that break my heart.

I think, “What’s the point? Are my dreams a joke? Is my life falling apart?

Verse 2

Night time is the worst time, when events are magnified;

Staring at the ceiling, replaying thoughts in my mind.

Things I could have said or done, ways I could have been a hero;

It seems the only argument I ever win is when my head is on my pillow.

Chorus

But if it should be different, then it would be different;

Right here's my destination and my starting point.

If my intentions are pure, even when the path’s uncharted,

Then I’m either standing tall or falling forward. 

Verse 3

The sun is always shining, even when it’s night.

I can choose to walk in darkness or become my own light.

To help see things more clearly, and brighten the path ahead.

To find the ones whose hearts are true and wish for me the best.

Verse 4

People will be people; I can only control me.

I’ll let the haters chain themselves, and miss the chance to feel free;

Everyone is doing the very best that they can.

I only hope I’m not judged for who I was while becoming who I am.

Chorus

‘Cause if it should be different, then it would be different;

Right here's my destination and my starting point.

If my intentions are pure, even when the path’s uncharted,

Then I’m either standing tall, or falling forward.

Bridge

It’s not a bad day, it’s only a bad moment;

Rise from the depth by taking a breath,

Squaring your shoulders, trusting your Beholder,

And starting again, and again, and again, and again.

Chorus

‘Cause if it should be different, then it would be different;

Right here is our reality and our starting point.

When our intentions are pure, even when our path’s uncharted,

We'll be either standing tall, or falling forward;

Together, again and again, together.